At the top of a man’s list of his basic needs, flashing away like a bright bulb on top a Christmas tree, is his need for sexual fulfilment. For a woman, however, her needs for affection must be met before she can give herself permission. The priorities of a man are different from those of a woman.
The atmosphere between them, no matter how long they’ve been a couple, says “I like you. I really do love you and I know you love me. Sex, according to William F. Harley, Jr. is a “special occasion,” which follows the prelude of affection.
In his l986 book, His Needs, Her Needs, Harley says sex is most passionate when built on a relationship of mutual caring and the skills the couple has met for their very different needs. Almost all men he reports need tips for being affectionate.
Women like physical closeness: hugging, hand-holding, sitting near each other, notes, cards, gifts, being taken out to dinner, car door being opened for them, efforts on his part to join her on expeditions like shopping.
Habits of the affection man may include: a hug and kiss every night, a kiss before leaving for the day, flowers as a surprise, occasionally a sentimental (not humorous_ card) for special days like Mother’s Day or Valentine’s, spending a little time upon coming home and sharing what’s happened to each of them.
Why is a fiction writer, like me, sharing what essentially could be looked at as a book review about just one chunk of a man and woman’s basic needs?
A woman needs: l) Affection – regularly and often 2) Conversation 3) Honesty and openness 4) financial support 5) Family commitment.
A man needs: l) Sexual fulfilment – his natural feelings of arousal 2)Recreational companion ship 3) an attractive spouse/partner 4) Domestic support 5) Admiration.
No matter what is happening in their lives, affection is not impractical or unnecessary because it achieves a one-spirit unity between a couple. Most men become aroused easily. They think women do, too. However, women have to make a conscious decision to have sex. For a woman, it is more mental than physical, especially easiest and the most passionate when a path of affection is part of the equation.
Or, as my Mother said at age 90 when we quizzed her about why she hadn’t accepted his proposal of marriage, “I don’t know if he can perform.”
Harley believes even relationships torpedoed by an affair can be towed into dry dock, repaired and refitted to sail further than a previous times if only the man and the woman are willing to meet each others needs.